Marriage, Sex, and Family, Part 2 – Sex, Purity, and the Ideal Steps
Why wait with sex before marriage? Part 2 looks at God’s design for sex, how to stay pure in action and thought, and the ideal steps toward a wedding.
(Acts 17:11: Please learn to do your own Bible studies like this one – here.)
This study on marriage has 3 parts:
- Part 1 – God’s Love Plan and Who to Marry
- Part 2 – Sex, Purity, and the Ideal Steps (you are here)
- Part 3 – Weddings, Divorce, and Remarriage
(Continued from Part 1.)
What About Sex and Christianity?
Scriptures: All of The Song of Solomon, Ephesians 5:3, 1 Corinthians 7:2-6, Hebrews 13:4
First – just to be clear. Sex, arousal, ecstasy and orgasm is a full-on gift from the heart of God to us. Sex is designed by God to be beautiful, fulfilling, amazing, thrilling, exciting, loving, intimate, adventurous. Sex is to be enjoyed, explored, and practiced freely with no shame and no fear between a husband and a wife. The Bible talks about sex life in many places and there is no shame, condemnation, or awkwardness about it.
For instance, Paul the apostle says in 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (MSG)
It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.
The Bible is 100% clear. Sex is designed by God and belongs 100% in marriage between a man and a woman. See an in-depth study in chapter 6.
Why Did God Create and Design Sex?
Sex is designed by God to show us that He wants to give us great and thrilling gifts. It is designed to illustrate the unity and oneness that He wants with us – not in any way a sexual oneness with God – but the core picture of unity and oneness.
Jesus lives within us – in our hearts – by the Holy Spirit. Jesus said (John 17:11, John 17:21-22): “Let them be one as we are one.” – “I in them and them in me”.
Jesus longs for us to receive and believe in the fact – the He is our best Friend, our number 1. The way to receive that fact and remain standing in it – is to act on it – continually – without first feeling it. That is faith – and God rewards acts of faith.
Feelings need to follow truth facts from God – not the other way around.
What Is the Purpose of Sex – As God Designed It?
Sex is designed by God to fit into a pre-committed lifelong decision made within. Why can I say that with certainty? It was obviously and logically designed for 3 main purposes that fit together and are not opposites and none of the 3 can be excluded in the design of God. Good sex is designed by God to:
- Give us the deepest honesty, vulnerability, intimacy, and openness based on the giving of lifelong love.
- To give one of the greatest thrills and enjoyments known to humans.
- To bring kids into the world (made in our image) – into a healthy strong family – with a mom and dad who loves each other and are committed to stay together – for better or worse.
Having sex with someone other than our spouse for life breaks and betrays that holy trinity (tri-unity) of designs as it comes to bringing kids into the world – into a strong committed family.
Good Sex According to the Bible
Sex is to be giving, free from guilt, shame, pressure, but full of love and a deep internal mutual desire to satisfy the other one. It is a wonderful gift and creation of God. Under those guidelines – anything is allowed. Sex is only to be had and practiced within a marriage between a husband and a wife– as it is defined in this book.
So Yes – More Sex – In Marriage 😊
Further Reading
How Does God Show Value Other Human Beings?
Who are we – even? She is a daughter of the Most-High King. He is a son, a prince, a co-heir, a most valued child of the Royal, truly Honorable, Noble King. We are all made in the image of God.
God loves us with a perfect everlasting and honoring love – proved it by sending Jesus to die in our place.
Now He asks us – if we, by a choice of our own completely free will – will receive the gift of total forgiveness that Jesus achieved – bought for us by dying on the cross for us – and live out His will on earth, defeating the enemy, by the helping power of the Holy Spirit.
Bible Word and Passage Meaning Study of Sex Before Marriage and whether or not to have a wedding party before God, family, and society as part of marriage and then sexual unity after that
The Quest for God’s Truth – Universal Good and Loving Truth – The Core and the Ideal
When we come to the Bible, Christianity – every one of us are asked by God to analyze and possibly – actually likely lay aside our pre-conceived ideas, desires, lusts, passions, convictions and ideas.
We are asked by God to re-evaluate our deepest convictions and experiential conclusions – in the new light of what is true from God’s perspective. Why? God is real. God is personal. He is our best Friend – if we will let Him. God is love. God is truth. God knows everything.
God knows best and has revealed His will in the Bible – His love letter and handy reliable manual for a life of love, truth, wholeness, humility and love.
2 Thessalonians 2:10 says: they did not receive the love of the truth so as to be saved.
This book is written to those who deeply know they need the truth to build strong secure lives and will seek for it and act on it – for the good of themselves, others and their friendship with God.
The Key Words for us in this Bible study are the Greek words (the New Testament was written in Greek). Strongs dictionary and numbers is one of the most used Greek dictionaries for the New Testament Bible:
- Moichos
- Strongs nr 3432 denotes one “who has unlawful intercourse with the spouse of another,” and is found here: Luke 18:11; 1 Cor. 6:9; Heb. 13:4. And in James 4:4.
- Porneia
- Strongs nr 4202 is used of “illicit sexual intercourse,” found in Matt 15:18-20, John 8:41; Acts 15:20,29; 21:25; 1 Cor. 5:1; 6:9-18; 1. Cor. 7:16, 2 Cor. 6:14-18,12:21; Gal. 5:19; Eph. 5:3; Col. 3:5; 1 Thess. 4:3; Hebrews 13:4, Rev. 2:21; 9:21, 1 Cor. 7:2; in Matt. 5:32 and 19:9 it stands for, or includes, adultery; it is distinguished from it in 15:19 and Mark 7:21.
The Key Passage Which Settles This Question for Ever in a Biblical and Christian Context – of: According to the Bible, is it wrong to have sex before marriage?
One of the main best practice practices for accurately reading, understanding and interpreting the Bible is to let the Bible interpret itself. Even: Let the Bible define the meaning of the words in the Bible. The Bible is, therefore, the best one to look at for definitions of various words – even when the words might mean other things in other literature.
The key passage is
Because of the temptation to sexual immorality (porneia), each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:2
Please read
From that one line of eternal Scripture, we can make some logical conclusions. The Bible itself here defines that the opposite of “porneia” is sex between a husband and wife = sex within marriage of a man and a woman. Marriage being a life-long commitment to one partner before God and people.
This means – no matter how this word, porneia, is defined elsewhere, in other extra-Biblical contemporary literature – if differently than this – in the Bible, always, when the word “porneia” is used in the Greek in the New Testament, it means all sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman – which is in short – adultery or any kind of sex outside marriage.
Without this clear definition of “porneia” – you can make the Bible say anything on this subject.
The Scriptures mentioned under key words above, for instance, then become very clear. Please read them all in the light of this definition of the word, porneia.
Just like Jesus waits for the Father to tell Him to meet His bride – the church – and have a marriage feast – and to be fully united with Him – and seeing Him as He truly is (1 John 3:2, 1 Corinthians 13:12) at the Marriage Feast of the Lamb (Revelation 19:6-9) – unveiled from the limitation of this world – so we wait with sex until marriage.
And this is not to kill our joy – but because God has created this very best environment for that most wonderful gift.
Wisdom Around Waiting with Sex Till After the Wedding Says
- It is wise that sex is not the center of a marriage – friendship is what will make it last.
- To be able to restrain yourself – and practice patience – is super healthy.
- To be able to say no to an awesome passion – for the sake of obedience to God, makes God our God – not sex. Sex is one of the major “gods” of this world, and so is personal selfish satisfaction
- Remember. God created sex for our enjoyment as well as for having kids. We just need to get our heads around God’s rules around the best enjoyment of the gift.
- Statistics say the best sex is had between partners who fully know and trust each other. Sounds like marriage and blessings to me.
- To use our brains, one of the greatest gifts God has given us, and understand this whole beautiful picture, is smarter than doing what is not the best – and finding out later
- What if we do not fit together sexually?
- In the end of the day – as both of you are committed Christians – you will strive to please the other one – to give them maximum pleasure (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). This will take care of 99% of all issues. If not – please pray to and submit 100% to God and talk to mature Holy Spirit filled, fruit bearing, Christian believers and therapists to correct any dysfunctions.
Staying Pure in Action and Thought, How to Succeed at Not Having Sex Until Marriage
Since we have established sex is designed by our loving, strong amazing God – to be enjoyed only inside marriage – these are some helpful guidelines to avoid going there as a couple who are in love
Remember to talk about this – communicate and agree – talk about it frankly and openly – and don’t just trust that the other one will set the right boundaries. In the end of the day – these choices are completely up to you – and to all. These are some we recommend you go through.
- Have a strong personal life with God – a true friendship with Jesus – praying in the Spirit, being sensitive to the Holy Spirit and a strong desire to do the complete pure and holy will of God for your life. Also be active and serve and develop strong friendships in a great local church, reading the Bible daily and doing what it says. Know your are LOVED and BELIEVED in 100% – always!
Apart from that, som wisdom specifically around this area to stay pure, holy and free from sin are:
- If 1 is not in place – do not compromise on that. Number 1 is the basis of everything – and for opening yourself up to being changed from the inside out – by the Holy Spirit of God – not by rules coming from the outside only – but from both inside first and outside – just as important.
Now it should be clear, and the foundation should be laid to hear the rules that will help you stay holy, pure and follow God’s timing and beautiful love and sex plan:
- No long kisses – even though it is nice and great it is foreplay to sex and arouses us and bodily preps us for sexual unity, so it is not time for that until after marriage
- No lying closely together – again doing this is nice, but same principles apply as with kissing for a long time
- No touching sexually related body parts – same as with kissing and lying closely together
- No staying alone together in the same room or apartment at night or even for a short nap. This is also – not to tempt yourselves to go too far – and it is also for the sake of how others outside interpret your behavior – so it doesn’t look like you are doing what it is not time to do yet.
- No sleeping in the same room together – same as above.
- Open Door Policy. The door to the room of the 2 in love should always be completely open – so they are not hiding how far they go in physical closeness.
- In the end of the day, the principle is not: How close can we go to doing something before it is time without actually going all the way to having sexual union? The principle is more: How close can we get to Jesus? How radical and committed to Him can we get? How much prayer and fasting, speaking in tongues, evangelism and church service can we possibly do individually & together? How can we make sure we follow the loving guidelines of God in every area of our lives?
- Another principle to think about: You know in your heart and conscience and spirit when it is too far if your conscience is well trained in purity, holiness, honesty, truth and the Word and Spirit of our holy awesome fearsome God.
My wife and I never went all the way sexually – but we did have a few wayyyy too long kissing sessions and we had to think, regroup, and take a step backwards. And it worked well – even though I was not good at communicating my reasons to step backwards in that area – in the beginning. So, we adjusted, realigned, and went well from there.
If you have already gone to far before you are married: Repent = think differently, then act differently – from now on. Realign your thinking and actions to the right way – from today. It is not too late to change. Jesus never condemns us for or reminds us of our past – but always commands us to live right from NOW on.
Free Will Power?
You have been given free will by God. You have so much free will – that you can even say no to God – and yes to the devil or vice versa. Wherever you find yourself on these journey points – do all in your power to travel right.
You have, through the power of the Spirit of God, the strength and the truth of the Word of God, and your ability to choose freely been given enough power – that you can – if you want – choose to do what is right – and stop doing what is wrong.
You have chosen in one way in the past – now chose differently. Choose to turn – and do what is right – right now.
Sex in Heaven?
A good thing to realize – to put the false “god”; sex, in the right perspective in our lives, is, that there is not going to be sex in eternity in Heaven. BUT there are spiritual ecstasies of liquid love, extreme power, light, revelations, tastes, feelings, peace – deeper and more in unity with God and each other than anything on earth, in Heaven. It is beyond any sex or drug on earth. Heaven is better than anything we can even think or imagine.
What Is the Ideal – The Best Setup Steps?
Start here: If you have not done the things below so far. There is 100% full forgiveness, acceptance and love from God.
God is like a GPS – never condemns you – but does tell you where to go from here, wherever that may be – even the deepest darkness, to the shortest route to your destination in His will. God is also 100% there to help you to change.
The Holy spirit is called – The Helper. He will help you make it right and will guide you to move in the right and best direction from here – IF you will let Him and if you will choose to seek Him first.
If you, when you read the list of Biblical step by step actions below, feel any sort of condemnation, shame, guilt, or rejection – then it is not from God our perfect Father, Jesus our brother and Best Friend or the Holy Spirit our Helper – is is from hell – from the devil.
Please read section 0. and 1. and 2. again.
As Christians we build our houses on the Rock – which is the Word of God, which is Him – the Living Word = Jesus – which is also the written Word – the Bible.
We do not just hear – we listen – and we do what He says – not out of force or out of pressure or manipulation – but out of love, because He loved us – 100% for free – first. That is our only foundation.
We are driven by: The love we have been freely given – which drives us to the love of truth, love of freedom, love of God, love of holiness, purity and honor, love of ourselves and love of others.
Steps in Order of a Timeline – The Love and Marriage Relationship Journey
- First – get to know the love of the one true God for you – evidenced forever through Jesus giving His life for you – dying on the cross, taking your sins forever – and now calling you to be a 100% dedicated disciple of Him. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: First things first. We were created by God to receive the love of God and to be children of God. Walking in that is the purpose and meaning of life itself.
- This is the foundation of everything else – without that – much of this book will not make sense – even though, because we are made in His image and His principles of love and truth permeate this world and our consciences – much of it makes sense without personal radical passionate faith. It is hard-wired into us by God – if we do not deny it.
- Seek Him passionately and intensely, be filled with the Spirit of God, speaking in tongues – choosing to let Him be your Lord – your Leader, your very Best Friend, your Forgiver – your Lord – your Everything.
- Put God, others and yourself first. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: Jesus did what it took for us to be saved – putting our salvation before His own comfort – even to the point of going through torture on the cross, dying, being separated from God His Father and experiencing hell. We need to follow that example.
- Decide under God – because you love yourself, God and others – and know you are fully loved and fully accepted – to only go for someone who loves Jesus fully
- Do not fall for the lies of series, movies and songs that preach: falling in love and sex is all that life is about. It is the false “god” of this world.
- Submit to wise counsel. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: Jesus is 100% submitted to His Father and the Holy Spirit to Jesus – and they all submit to and love each other in the Trinity.
- Seek wise Godly counsel from: Good parents, a great youth leader, a solid pastor, great Christian friends – who live right and lovingly – who believe in you and want the very best for you. This is an area where hormones (& demons), feelings and emotions can quickly take away wise decisions, judgments – therefor you need people who are not emotionally involved – aka – falling in love.
- Courting, falling in love and entering into being boy and girlfriends. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: Jesus stays within the limits of God’s plan – waiting to get married to us – and He is passionately pursuing all people – that they may realize the crazy passionate unlimited, undiluted and unstoppable love He has for us.
- Old Fashioned Whiskey – great rules of hanging out together that helps you build an awesome friendship and not have sex until marriage
- See chapter 7 to stay pure sexually until marriage.
- Proposal – Picture of our relationship with Jesus: Jesus constantly proposes to all people – an eternal relationship of pure true love
- This is where the friendship has been built. The love is expressed. The vision and values are already aligned. The love is mature enough to commit to each other for life.
- Engagement period – Picture of our relationship with Jesus: Jesus constantly romances us, loves us, is for us, and is loyal and faithful to us.
- Betrothal and Engagement is Biblical: Joseph was betrothed to Mary – and Paul the apostle expects this to be the practice among the Christians in Corinth (1 Cor. 7:36-38)
- Men – do this as romantically as you can. We are right now engaged to Jesus. He has promised Himself to us – we have promised ourselves to Him. In Heaven, the marriage feast of the Bride (the church – the believers in Jesus) and the Lamb (Jesus – the King of Kings) will take place one day. Jesus is patiently waiting for that day – while working with us to see the will of God happen on earth as it is in Heaven.
- Pre-Marriage course – Picture of our relationship with Jesus: Life on earth is preparation for reigning eternally married to Jesus – we prepare for this by fully devoting ourselves to our future husband and knowing His love life manual and getting to know Him intimately.
- To really prep you for marriage, a great idea is to do a pre marriage course. Here you will talk through a number of great topics which will prepare you much better for married life. Som have even come to the conclusion that they were not ready to get married yet – or they actually talked to deeply and honestly that they found out they were headed in totally different directions in life.
- Marriage. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: This will happen as we enter heaven. A covenant and life forever with Jesus – and each other.
- It is 100% natural to have a party where the families of the 2 parties joining are there to celebrate them and support them and stand with them. And it’s great to have a pastor there to pray and preach and help them do some God honoring vows.
- Sex. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: We do not have any sex in heaven or with Jesus or angels. Being one with Him leads to fruitfulness (kids in life) – but to others being truly touched by the love of heaven.
- It’s a wonderful gift of God – reserved only for marriage between a man and a woman. See chapter 6.
- Kids. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: new kids of God will come out us walking closely with our God. New people who did not know the love – will become kids of God.
- Kids are wonderful gifts of God.
- A wonderful, deeply challenging, exciting, fruit bearing life. Picture of our relationship with Jesus: It’s the same.
- A radical, Jesus loving life, believing in each other – doing things as a strong team, changing the world, encouraging each other to be all you can be – praying together, serving in church together, discipling new believers together etc.
Continue reading: Marriage, Sex, and Family, Part 3 – Weddings, Divorce, and Remarriage
Further Resources
- To read positive life-changing and selfish-life-breaking teaching – see all my Bible studies. Let God lead you to what to engage with first.
- To become an “Action Christian” – sign up on ActionChristianity.com.
To read positive life changing and selfish life breaking teaching – see All Bible Studies of Peter Skov of Action Christianity. Let God lead you to what to engage with first.
And here is my YouTube course on the very minimum foundations of normal discipleship.
