Forgiveness – What It Is, What It Is Not, and How to Forgive From the Heart
Forgiveness is not letting go of justice – this guide explains what true, biblical forgiveness is, why unforgiveness destroys you, and how to forgive completely from the heart.
(Acts 17:11: Please learn to do your own Bible studies like this one – here.)
Do You Find It Hard to Forgive? This Guide Can Help You Do It Completely From the Heart
I will address the following questions:
- What are common misunderstandings about forgiveness?
- Why should you ever forgive something wrong?
- What does my unforgiveness toward someone else do to me?
- What is strong, effective, healthy, and true forgiveness according to Christianity?
- What about justice, then?
- Why is it commanded by Jesus?
- How do you do it right – without compromising justice?
Do you find it hard to forgive someone for something wrong they did to you?
That is understandable and common.
Before I became a Christian I had already learned to forgive. A family I cared for had really hurt me. I overheard them (from another room) talking about me – gossiping negatively about me behind my back to someone else I really liked, describing me in a super negative light. I was so hurt. It was not OK. They should have talked with me about it in a loving, caring way – helping me. And I did not forgive them. Some years later, before I knew the total forgiveness of God through Jesus Christ, I was challenged to forgive them by a friend. And, so I wrote and sent them a letter saying: “Even though what you did was wrong and very hurtful, I forgive you. I let go of the hurt, pain, and constant judgment in me against you. I choose to move on.” Later on I even visited them again. To my great surprise, when I sent the letter, I felt a huge relief of a dark cloud and a heavy weight leaving me – and I felt like I could breathe much more freely and I could straighten up my whole personality and physical body. I had no idea I had been weighed down and bent forward, cramped, limited, and under a dark cloud. I thought it was just how I was. That is what forgiving does when we do it. It releases us from “prison” – it sets us free.
A major hurdle for most people: how to forgive without letting go of justice?
Many stumble and never forgive because they do not understand how self-loving and self-freeing it is to truly forgive. Unforgiveness is self-destructive. It is like drinking deadly poison yourself – trying to harm someone else. It is to hold on to and harbor inside us: negativity, hateful thoughts, darkness, retaliation, and judgment (Romans 12:17-21). Agreeing to contain these types of thoughts eats us up inside. It’s like saying yes to and not separating ourselves from illnesses like cancer, arthritis, and scoliosis.
Many people do not forgive because they think forgiveness is to let go of justice and say ok to injustice. It is not!
What Is Forgiveness Not?
- Not letting go of justice: It is not saying what was done is ok. It is the exact opposite. You can only forgive (= let go of a constant bitter root of accusation and judgment) something that you say and know was wrong of someone to do (Matthew 18:21-35).
- Not trust: It is not to now re-trust that person relationally and be best friends. Trust is not forgiveness. They are two different things. Trust takes time to restore if it has been broken. Forgiveness is something internal inside you – it is your own internal root of self-destructive bitter poison (Hebrews 12:12-17).
- Not refusing to set true, secure boundaries: It is not refusing to set healthy clear boundaries between yourself and the offender. We must learn to set healthy boundaries around ourselves for protection. That is love both to yourself and to others. Love is not the opposite of justice – they always go together (Romans 16:17-18, 1 Corinthians 5:11).
- Not refusing to correct someone: It is not refusing to go to the offender and lovingly correct them – speaking to them about what they have done that hurt you and ask them to stop doing that again. We should do that in brokenness, humility, and true love. And when we do – we need to go – believing they are able and willing to change. We have free will – so we can choose to change. Sometimes (many times) we need someone to love us enough to show us and tell us the wrong we have done and what to do to choose another way (1 Timothy 5:19-25, Matthew 18:15-20).
- Not the opposite of righteous indignation: It is not that you cannot get angry due to the injustice and lack of love you have been treated with. It is right, holy, true, and just that you get angry due to injustice and being treated unlovingly. The more you accurately and fully define the injustice you have been treated with and be angry due to the injustice – the more fully and wholeheartedly you can only THEN fully from your heart forgive the wrong they did (Ephesians 4:26-27, Mark 3:5, Mark 10:13-16).
- Not refusing to carry out justice in action: It is not refusing to bring justice and retaliation tooth for tooth and eye for eye. But it is to give retaliation and vengeance over to God. It is to forgive – and on the basis of forgiveness – to bring accurate judgment of justice (1 Corinthians 6:1-5, John 7:24). And about restoration.
What Is Correct Forgiveness?
- Realize first about yourself (this is as a Christian): I have been completely forever forgiven for free by God – the perfect loving humble judge (Ephesians 2:8-9). A debt to God of 1 billion gold bars has been removed – if we compare our unloving behavior to the humility, love, and justice of God. I am now commanded by God (which is fair) to forgive all others completely and absolutely and permanently, as I have been forgiven by God – from the heart. I must forgive others the speck of gold that they have taken from me.
- Trust God to judge everyone perfectly with justice – if not now – then eternally. The Bible is clear that there is a great Judgment Day coming for all of us. And we are all in deep trouble – for the standard of God is perfect love, humility, and justice. Jesus carried our punishment out of purest love for us (John 1:29). We now need to endure injustice and love others in spite of pain and “retaliate” on the basis of forgiveness in love – like Jesus did for us (Matthew 6:14-15).
- Let go completely – from the heart – of all repeated internal accusations against, anger against, hate against, bitterness against the person (Matthew 18:21-35). We must hate and be angry with the injustice done – the deed – and speak against it and act against it and ask for people to stop doing that and set healthy boundaries. But we must forgive and love and bless the person – who is so very confused and doesn’t know the love of God. We must like Jesus say, because this is true: “Father, forgive them, for they actually truly do not know what they are really doing.” (Luke 23:34).
- Now choose to do the opposite of before: Speak well of and from the heart want the best for someone – especially that they would know the forgiveness, healing, and restoration of Jesus like we do (Romans 12:14, Matthew 5:43-48).
How to Forgive Fully, Wholeheartedly, and Permanently
- Realize you have been completely forgiven by God. He has the right to be just and be fully angry at all sin – for it is unloving and unjust and deserves full punishment. But He has punished Jesus fully for you (James 2:13). The full anger and wrath of God was poured out on Jesus – so the Father abandoned Jesus (“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” – Matthew 27:46) He died for our sin, became sin, cursed – taking our full punishment (2 Corinthians 5:21). Now you are 100% free from that punishment forever. Then give that same free gift to yourself and others. God even commands us all to forgive all from the heart – or we risk being infected – even by evil spirits tormenting us – because we would like His forgiveness – but will not give it to others. That naturally makes Him angry – and we cannot blame Him for it exposes our own pride, rebellion, unbelief, judgment, better than others attitude.
- Let the person go – release them away from you – into the full judgment and revenge and love and mercy of God. Stop carrying out revenge yourself. Trust that God will deal with them correctly. Release them to God, Who is both love and justice – and Who has all power – but also wants all to freely choose to know and receive that they are forgiven and loved and even 100% super-liked by God through Jesus. But they must humble themselves, repent, and personally receive that love, grace, and restoration as well as apologizing for their sin (Psalm 73:16-17).
- Practically, say out loud: “I forgive you from my heart, “Name”, for “be specific about the thing they did that hurt”. What you did was not right, but I release from me and let go of this constant internal root of bitterness, hate, and accusation. I release all negativity against you for that out of me now. I speak blessing over you of love, joy, and peace – that you may know love, peace, and joy – and that you may choose to change to a better version of yourself. That you may wake up and turn away from your bad behavior. I ask you, Daddy, God, to bless them with every blessing of Heaven.” Then remain in that attitude of blessing.
- Then pray – and act on this: How do you lovingly, with humility, not retaliation, but with restoration, healing, justice, and reconciliation in mind, reach out and try to help bless (Matthew 5:38-42) and also with accurate justice correct the person who hurt you? The procedure is found in Matthew 18:15-20. Please read a full Bible study on it here: Confronting Sin in a Healthy Way.
Super important: forgiving yourself!
Also forgive yourself in exactly the same way. It is just as important as forgiving others. And actually, you cannot truly forgive others, if you have not first completely forgiven yourself. If you do not forgive yourself for what you have done wrong, then why should you forgive others? You will always have an excuse to not forgive others if you do not completely obey God and forgive yourself. The non-love you give to yourself – that same non-love – you will give to others.
Forgiving God? No – wrong wording. But yes – let go of bitter-root false judgment against God (it feels like a type of forgiveness)
This is the most important and foundational area to “let go of accusations” – bitter roots in our heart. This was a battle – where I personally was blind and lost (not truly knowing it) – even as a very active and theologically trained and called to the ministry leader – because I believed and acted on a subtle lie of the liar and the accuser – Lucifer: “God is not to be forgiven – for He never did anything wrong or unloving.” I dealt deeply with this. With God we deeply need to repent – and absolutely stop having a bitter heart root of unjust accusation against His loving bleeding, gentle, humble heart. Look at His heart of love, justice, humility, gentleness, and kindness on the sacrificial cross of the extreme pain and death and rejection of Jesus. His love for me & all people is forever PROVEN through Him suffering for my injustice. The right ones to judge for evil, who have done injustice are: 1. People (including yourself at times). 2. Demons (all the time – and yes, they are real), and 3. A fallen world that is dying around us. So, let go of all bitter root judgments against the wholehearted love and justice of Daddy, God. I had bitter roots against God – and I was totally 100% blind to it – so this can really hide deep inside. Listen to my testimony to hear more about how I got free from that terrible sin and root of bitterness: read it here or watch it on YouTube.
Do Like Me – Live in What Jesus Purchased: Being Best Friends With Daddy, God
I have permanently 24/7 – every millisecond now – repented into the goodness of my Daddy. My Very Best Friend Forever. By the mighty Holy Spirit in me – that I received because I believe in Jesus – that He forgave all my sin, I declare and say and cry out: “Abba Daddy. Papa. My Daddyo!” That is the purpose of my creation and the meaning of life – to be best friends with Daddy – God. Will you live in that now? And past – and future? That is – will you let your heart be continually reconciled to His? I say yes – for I trust Him fully – for on the cross I see that He is fully trustworthy of my full trust!! Will you?
Now act on this – not out of force, manipulation, or based on your untrustworthy emotions but as a mature adult believer based on external eternal truth of the love and total forgiveness of Daddy proven through the extreme and 100% unjust suffering and death of the Son, Jesus, and with Comforter, Guide, Truth Holy Spirit helping you all the way.
Prayers
Be completely honest and transparent in your heart and emotions now.
Ask Holy Spirit to help you see what you need to see – which you are blind to now.
Receiving perfection from Daddy through the blood of Jesus
“Thank you Daddy, God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit for completely forgiving me for EVERYTHING!”
If need be in your mind – be honest and specific.
Forgiving others
“I forgive all who have ever hurt me or let me down. I let it all go 100%.”
If need be in your mind – be honest and specific with which people, which situations and words.
Forgiving yourself
“I completely forgive myself for all wrongdoing – forever. Just like you have, Daddy, God in Jesus. I love myself. I am excited about myself. I am amazing and beautiful. I like, love, value, and honor myself.”
If need be in your mind – be honest and specific with which people, which situations and words.
Bitter root against God
“I repent 100% from accusing you Daddy, God of: X, Y, Z. I instead accuse satan, people’s free will, including my own responsibility to rule and reign over myself and my world with you by faith and boldness and by the power of the Holy Spirit and authority in the name of Jesus and I also accuse fallen nature with the right mix of justice in responsibility.”
Wait and let the worst and deepest and most damning accusations come up. Be specific.
To read positive life changing and selfish life breaking teaching – see All Bible Studies of Peter Skov of Action Christianity. Let God lead you to what to engage with first.
And here is my YouTube course on the very minimum foundations of normal discipleship.
