Correcting Others Correctly, Part 2 – How to Obey Matthew 18 and Stop Gossip
Loving correction done Jesus’ way – one on one, in honor and humility – is how we obey Matthew 18 and stop gossip. Part 2 shows how to do it well.
(Acts 17:11: Please learn to do your own Bible studies like this one – here.)
This Bible study on correcting others has 3 parts:
- Part 1 – Unity and Matthew 18:15-20 explained
- Part 2 – How to obey it and stop gossip (you are here)
- Part 3 – Covering sin, our words, and forgiveness
(Continued from Part 1.)
More Interpretation of the Direct Cross References (Words in Red)
In Matthew 7:12 Jesus gave us “The Golden Rule”:
So, in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Interpretation
All people globally would agree to this principle: If someone has something against me, they see bad behavior in me – then they should go directly to me – not to anyone or everybody else first. That is universal for all. That is how you, yourself would like to be treated.
So, therefore, Matthew 18:15 is good, right, loving, eternal, and true, right? Would you like others to not talk with you about some things they see in you, where you miss the mark (real meaning of the word “sin” is: to miss the mark)?
Would you like them to rather discuss these things with others than go to you personally and directly and as immediately as possible? Would you like them to first talk with others negatively about you, spread the rumors – and not first to you? No.
You’d want them to believe in you and to love you enough and have courage enough to talk directly with you about the areas where they see you are living below your potential in Christ (missing the mark = sin) – so you can hear it, and respond, and humble yourself if their observation is correct, and then proceed to find and follow a plan to live a better life now.
That’s the right way to do it, right?
Why do you then go against this yourself, when you talk with others about your spouse / leaders at work / church / parents / family / friends / children / colleagues / politicians / people in the news? Or you let others freely talk negatively to you about others?
Christians have – for far too long not understood this and done this wrong against what Jesus very, very, very, very clearly commanded. It needs to – it MUST change. We need to say sorry to God and the right people, if we have done so.
We need to repent = change how we do it in the future. We need to repent from pride, criticism, intellectualism, “I’m better than them attitude” and condescension. We need to grow up.
We need to stop being little immature kids and teenagers and we need to be mature adults who own our words, actions and decisions done with our free will fully – and we need to be obedient to: in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you…
How? Hint:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
Romans 8:5-6
+ put real quality honest time into intimate daddy child relationship + forgiveness + inner healing + deliverance + removal of the rejected orphan spirit attitude + renewal of the mind with the Word + fear of God + fiery simple child-like obedience + brokenness & humility of heart in action + the restoration of the fullness of all fullnesses in Christ.
This leads us the be mature, wise, humble, repentant and Spirit led, which then enables us to judge and correct well.
If all of the above are not fully part of your journey – get into it – since those are areas, I believe we all must go deeply through to be truly healed and strong disciples.
A suggestion for a “Mature Disciple Checklist” can be found here: OneDrive doc
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Hebrews 10:24-25
Interpretation
This Scripture has previously been used by me to think of people who stopped going to church. But now I also see that it actually fits perfectly with everything in this topic. This is really what it is all about.
Let’s meet and talk and in that – when we do meet – let’s help each other be and get better.
In saying – “Let’s get better” (“spur on to good deeds”) there is an assumption that we all need to get better, and we are not there yet – we have not arrived – but we go for it. And we need to help each other with that.
Let’s not get a habit of not doing that. But encourage people as you do. Hope this makes sense?
Other Things, Verses, and Principles “in the Mix”
Repentance, humility, gentleness, obedience, love in action, and brokenness = maturity
Repentance, brokenness, personal responsibility, and complete ownership is a basis of true life in the Kingdom. Both John the Baptist, Jesus and the disciples preached repentance. Repentance means to change your mind. These words describe the character of our 100% perfect God Himself – and we are made in His image to be like Him. See a long list of the amazing character traits of God here: the article
Personal ownership of own behavior and words is ALL important
Growing up, maturing, owning own belief in lies leading to sins, even laziness, also pain, hurt, emotions. Taking complete responsibility for own decisions, directions, and belief-systems. This is true love. Love is defined by Jesus – as obedience to His commands. This must be part of our lives in order to be mature and judge correctly – and not just superficially – as Jesus commanded us to do (John 7:24).
Deliverance
Jesus and His disciples practiced deliverance after preaching repentance – for the Kingdom is near. Healthy deliverance has been one of the most missing ingredients in the Christian world.
Even though this was at times the ONLY miraculous thing Jesus commanded his disciples to do (Mark 3:15, Mark 6:7) – and it was sometimes the major thing together with healing the sick He described Himself as doing (Luke 13:32 and more).
Sometimes what is happening inside people – when they sin is, that there really is a demonic spirit there – influencing them and putting turbo on the sin nature and the brokenness in them.
This links and locks them with demonic chains on their will to do evil – and to find it harder to do what is right.
Practicing deliverance – as much as Jesus and the disciples did – is therefore also a part of the solution to this problem – both for the “correctors” (that they are not full of pride and hypocrisy – but actually have been healed and delivered and restored themselves) and the “sinners” (who might need the same help).
Sounds like the log in the eye… Hmmm… (Matthew 7:3-5)… wonder why?
Have a plan ready to help strengthen and restore the person
Part of the plan to help and embody the healing for lasting correction can be a structured deep level inner healing, repentance based deliverance session – and it can be Bible reading, prayer, walking with them in life as a father / mother to them, finding Scriptures that fit into strengthening their weaknesses that they can memorize etc. etc.
What about online ministries / books / “big pastors / leaders”?
Should this also be done and practiced with big global online ministries as well? Yes! 100% – 1-on-1 first, then 1 on you and 1-2 other humble broken wise respected witnesses to the brokenness in the others.
Choose witnesses who bear much fruit and practice all that Jesus commanded His disciples to do, then before their local assembly / fellowship and mutual accountability. Then, if they will not listen even then, go to their complete local accountability with a humble heart.
If that doesn’t work, in that area of their life – know that God loves the tax collector and the non-Jew! Could we all please follow this procedure from now on? I think we will enter into a crazy wonderful broken global repentance revival of unity around Jesus and each other if we do.
A good question to ask yourself if you want to point out something in someone: Have you made a personal quality Bible study and action plan which including loving accountability and inner healing as well as possible deliverance to support your viewpoint and how to get better that will help them to not continue to live in sin?
Will you be a good, loving, patient mature parent to them? Whoever will put in the work – will get the reward in Heaven of the reconciliation, strengthening, and unity that is the fruit if this being done well!
Be like David when he slew Goliath (of gossip and division, pride, disunity, and factions) – there was a huge reward (1 Samuel 17:24-27), people! Who will put in the work of reconciliation? Go!!
You are welcome to use this Bible study to help you do it (PS: Apply this to your own heart and present and previous actions first).
What about normal workplaces and other places?
These relational, gossip vs unity and true love rules apply in all interpersonal relationships. Also with parents, families, leaders, friendships, with neighbors, fellow students, teachers & government as well as media and news. It’s not just for Christians.
What I just wrote above – is insane – and forever true. But who will do this – first? And do it well? There are rewards in Heaven and on Earth for being a peacemaker (Matthew 5:9).
How Do We Obey This Well and Right?
1. Judge humbly and correctly
Ask the person who has missed the mark if this is correctly understood (what happened and the situation that it happened in). Then, if they confirm, go into how the right and better way is to go about it with the right attitude.
John 7:24
2. Love proven by obedience
John 14:15 & 1 John 5:3 & Matthew 28:20 – We must stop any and all excuses for disobedience. It requires Biblical understanding of what sin is and what it is not. It requires true love & courage to talk about things that can be better / or are really out of balance / or are directly wrong directly with – even leaders and parents – everyone.
3. Brokenness & humility
Doing this well requires a real level of brokenness, and raw humility.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5
This requires all – especially the one doing the confronting and evaluating to be 100% willing to admit their own mistakes – privately and honorably first – and even publicly if they are that far in the journey.
That humility, honesty, and brokenness will even lift you up and make you relatable in the eyes of everyone. James 4:10 – Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. That is also part of the reason why I tell my story of porn addiction so openly.
It is to help, and relate, and tell how I overcame this mountain through the love of God. And it will make way for the other person to also admit their struggles. You come down under their level. Consider them better than you (Philippians 2:3).
Serve them – like Jesus did with His disciples (John 13:1-17).
So, we always come from below, Philippians 2:3 – Don’t do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves. Come from below, lifting up, serving – while correcting. Then the person will feel loved with understanding and empathy.
If you do this – you will succeed at a much higher percentage, no matter what the case is about. Living in humility and brokenness and repentance (Luke 13:5-9, Luke 3:8) to always be open to the correction of Jesus personally into our lives is a Christian foundational permanent condition.
If, on the other hand, you come with a prideful, better-knowing, legalistic, religious, condemning, I am perfect myself, looking down upon others, showing no empathy, elevating yourself above them – then you will pretty much always fail.
But do not stop at listening. Listening, understanding, and responding according to Matthew 18:15-20 is key. Take action. Speak the truth in love to see them make better decisions, based on better beliefs, based on even deliverance, repentance, humility.
Say things like: “I get you. I have done much worse than you. Maybe I found some things that can help you? Can we talk about it in private? Can I pray for you?”
4. Practice, write it down, research in the Bible
Words like: Do I understand you right? And sentences like – I have struggled with this and been where you are. Be a Berean (Acts 17:11-12) – see for yourself in the Scriptures – if this is so.
5. You Must Have genuine gentle, humble heart faith in the other person
Doing this right requires a real faith in the other person – that they will and want to turn when you talk with them. Imagine you were the one who needed to be persuaded to upgrade your thinking, ways, and habits.
You will be surprised – many will if we do this right – that most of the talks will be so much more beautiful and life changing than you can imagine. You can “win a new brother and sister for life”. Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:5-6 – Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Galatians 6:1 is the direct practice of Matthew 18:15-20 – Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
To do this right – with the highest rate of success possible, we need to come into, and yes, to continually live in this beautiful, gentle, humble state.
6. Sound doctrine, identity, and relational wisdom
Have clear, pure, strong, healthy doctrinal insight and an identity founded on the truth of Jesus and have relational wisdom and a mature ability within social awareness
Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.
1 Timothy 4:16
Social skills – attention to people, emotions, reactions, empathy, heart, compassion, and personal holiness are all foundational skills to get this done well – along with good doctrine.
Also, the best situation is if both the people doing this have a strong personal relationship with the Father in the secret place as well as a well-founded personal identity (see this identity list: the article) in the wholehearted undivided love of the Father and all the wonderful truths that come from this.
This non-rejected, non-orphaned spirit and attitude and mindset helps us to truly receive correction well, humbly, with a repentant and truth-seeking attitude – where we are able to do healthy self- and God-evaluation – separating soul from spirit well (Hebrews 4:12-13).
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined – and everyone undergoes discipline – then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:4-11
7. Know righteousness by faith alone
Know the difference between condemnation, conviction and know that you are made 100% perfect in the eyes of Dad, Father God, just by believing in Jesus – who took all sin on the cross cleansing you completely of all shame, guilt, condemnation, and rejection. See this Bible study to get that to the core foundation of your Christian life where it belongs: the article
8. Show grace – have patience
Time works and time reveals. And even though salvation is NOW, and repentance is NOW. Sometimes people don’t make the right decisions NOW. God has had grace and patience with you – the reader – and with me – the writer. And see how much patience Jesus had with His disciples?
While He still rebuked them for their pride, misunderstandings, and lack of faith and was frustrated with them – He also had patience with them – and never gave up on them. As I heard John Ramirez say the other day. David had Goliath for lunch – but Saul – that took soo many years.
I wonder – how much are WE actually like Saul – before God?? And before people – in some ways?
9. Lordship of Jesus vs “only” Savior / Forgiver
An absolute non-negotiable foundation to living a full, fruitful, yet humble, broken, holy, “constantly ripping huge planks out of our eyes”, transparent, repenting, supernatural life of unity to do this well, led by the Holy Spirit – is to live in the pure child-like fire of our first love and have Jesus as our absolute Boss, Leader, Master, God, Creator, Lord, and Best Friend – being willingly from the heart obedient, purposefully broken, honoring others, rightly dividing / interpreting the Word of God, and strong in holiness, purity, honesty, righteousness, and justice – not living in fear of what “others” might think – but going for what God thinks first and only.
Then we, like Jesus, will grow in favor with God – and people (Luke 2:52).
The Gossip-Stopper
What to do when someone comes to me with something against someone? Say: “Hey bro / sis’ – can I stop you now? Can I rewind this conversation and quote your exact words? I want to ask if you have talked directly with the person, you are talking negatively about now? If not.
Please do so under God. If you tried, but they didn’t want to talk or they rebuked you – did you come in absolute humility and honor and faith in them – not accusing but with a broken heart of humility to help and lift them – from below? Or was it accusatory, prideful, spiteful?
If you did it humbly, broken, and in honor – then it’s time for you to go find 1-2 good people. If it was accusatory – please try it again and this time come broken, humbly, and say sorry!
And then come back and tell me how it went – for now you have gossiped about them – painting a negative picture of that person with your words – accusing them – and it influences me. Now I need to know if it was resolved well.
Please show me and them and God that honor in your life.”
On the receiving end
What if you are on the receiving end of a Matthew 18:15-20 correction?
How to handle someone who comes to you with feedback / correction well? Analyze it with the fullness of humility and the fullness of the Word and a brokenness of heart and a love for truth. Of course: Do not say yes to false unjust accusations. Be broken at heart. Be humble at heart.
Be ready to repent – but only if it is accurate – and only if it is correct. If it is correct but with the wrong attitude – receive the truth of it – but also in the right attitude correct the wrong bad attitude. Go for unity.
We all need more real healthy loving broken repentance, correction, humility and improvement for Christ in our lives.
Who are some of the people that people are constantly gossiping about?
Teachers, politicians, leaders, pastors, brothers, parents, colleagues, fellow students, kids, God, spouses, and yes – even people and ministries online = everyone.
If we all did this truly humbly, and know how to first, ourselves deeply take personal responsibility, repent of all sin, turn to holiness and get set free from demons through deliverance, and then know how to help others repent and get set free and find truth in the Word – there would be unity on the earth.
Will you go for that – being broken like that to be used by God to bring this ministry of reconciliation to earth – with me?
I am here to help. Let’s help each other do this well. Please use this Bible study to help establish this foundational truth if you find it good.
More Super Important Practicals
The question of SPEED!!
How fast should we be to listen if someone comes to us and wants to correct us?
Should you even respond if someone tries to come to you to talk about something they have against you? YES – and you should respond immediately that you realize this. Reach out and get it settled and set it in motion now! Why this extreme timing: For the quick settling of this matter of injustice. This will help destroy the temptation to share gossipy words that are negatively influencing life among real people now – potentially causing division.
Is this even in the Bible?
This process should be super-fast and high priority – according to this Scripture with letters in blood red:
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Reconcile quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court (Verse in Matthew 18:15-is an example of this). Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge (the 1-witnesses), and the judge may hand you over to the officer (the congregation), and you may be thrown into prison (excluded from the fellowship).
Matthew 5:23-25
When the sentence for an evil deed is not quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled with schemes to do wrong.
Ecclesiastes 8:11
So, if we know someone has something against us. We get it fixed ASAP and highest speed!! This is right and honorable! Think how fast you would like something like this to be handled.
And if you have something against someone and want to talk with them one on one about it – please use this Scripture to ask them to respond fast.
I will learn to use this Scripture in future processes – both if I am the one who is hurt by someone’s injustice and sin and if someone comes and has something against me.
Outrageous Insanity
Let’s together realize the insanity – the absolute outrageousness of this Scripture above
Jesus is genuinely outrageous in saying:
If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Consequence: Jesus denies Himself the worship He forever fully deserves right there!!! Why? To get to faster better unity between His kids! That is how much He desires us to be in unity with each other.
So. Please search yourself. Do others have something against you? Then you go and be reconciled to them – like right now! Paul wrote in Romans 12:18 – If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
How:
With which attitude should this be done?
How? What should your attitude be? Broken, with a giant plank (many giant planks) in your own eye that you have just removed (or have I/you)? To lift up. Also, with honor and dignity. Value.
An example of what I have done in conversations: “Can we rewind this dialogue and talk about what you just said?” Then quote the exact words that were just said and gently correct the inaccuracy, the lie, the dominance, the pride, the accusation, the gossip, the wrong theology and practice, the orphan rejection behind it and even the hurt that lies beneath it, the rejection that they feel from God and people.
Because that is really at the root of so many issues.
How:
Watch your own words – and words of others
Do not go in the lazy pride of broad blanket accusation. And also, do not allow others to do the same – like saying: “you always…” / “they always…” / “you never…” / “they never…”. This is never true of any humans – but absolutes are only true of demons or God.
Humans are “gradual beings” – not perfect – nor absolute demons all the time. Please repent and graduate to speaking like this: They / you: often / sometimes / rarely to this or that – and it is hurtful and unloving and wrong.
Also watch out for false dichotomies where it is either this – or that – when it is 2 good things put up against one another. This is not ok in preaching or our brains – even though it can sound both cool, right and good initially.
I have made a whole teaching on the importance of the accuracy of our words here: The Importance of Accuracy in Our Words
Personal Examples of Dialogues While Writing This Bible Study
Example 1: While explaining this – a dear godly friend told me he had gossiped to his wife about me, saying I was being too focused on the demonic and deliverance at that time. I asked him to say sorry to his wife about it – and he said he now understood that deliverance had come into place in my life more as ONE important tool of the many tools we need to understand and all practice as part of normal average discipleship.
Example 2: Another told me they feared the reaction and humiliation of the leadership over them so much that they had not taken the steps 1 – 2 – 3 of Matthew 18:15-20 all the way – also because they feared losing their positions in the structure where that leadership operated. I said, they needed to repent of it and follow the steps Jesus outlined and they did so.
Example 3: A friend said he never gossiped. He defined gossip as telling the criticism and secrets of others to others. He never for instance would tell the secrets shared with him by another husband about his wife with others. I said that is still gossip.
That husband needs to humbly talk with his wife about the issues he sees in her and vice versa – in a super-humble, yet clear way. If she will not listen – then talk with a mature couple (1-2 witnesses) that both respect and bring all together to find good solutions.
Then, if she will not repent, work on change, in the area that she is living in unrepentant sin, take that area to the church leadership and they help correct it.
My guess is – if she loves life, Jesus, herself, others, the spouse and the church – she will repent and agree to a plan that helps her live, love, believe better – be a better spouse.
Example 4: My daughter had an episode where some people around here were talking negatively criticizing and ridiculing others, people they all knew. She was asked what she thought and said: “I have been thinking of them and how they really must be broken, and really need help, and how I and we can help them… How do you think we can help them?” WOW!!! That is full blown Matthew 18:15-20 in immediate action.
Example 5: Someone gossiped to me (talked negatively) about a leader we had in common. And I said: “Have you talked with them about this?” “No”. “Then why are you talking with me about this? You have no right to do that. You need to repent and talk with them about that immediately.” He said: “You are right, Peter”.
Example 6: My wife realized how she needed to talk with the right people about the issues she saw them doing – while they did it. And even though she felt it was hard to stop just being a people pleaser – she began to move in a different direction than before and talk with them – and it went well.
Example 7: I realized I needed to call so many people and say sorry for gossiping about the church and the church leadership in the church I was a part of. Many interesting and healing dialogues came out of that.
Example 8: I was once in a church, where someone complained to the leadership about me. He felt he had corrected me, but that I didn’t receive it. I think otherwise and that other things were at play.
BUT – the leader in the church whom he told this to, then decided to tell the pastor of the church, and they decided the pastor should tell me one on one that I had behaved wrong.
When I was corrected by the pastor, it was told to me in an anonymized way, so I didn’t know who the original “correcter” was.
I was surprised and sad to hear that someone felt I had done wrong against them – but I received the correction and said that I do see some of what was said – at least from that person’s perspective.
But something still felt off – and I was unable to define it during the conversation with the pastor. The more I thought about it afterwards – also in the light of this Bible study, I understood what was off: The original person didn’t “bring 1-2 witnesses with him”.
So, I could not say sorry to him, correct any misunderstandings, and get reconciled with him in the presence of good council. That was and is not honoring toward me and it does not bring the reconciliation Jesus wants us to achieve in these cases.
And it was now a case of that I felt he gossiped against me – and the church supported it!! So now I had a Matthew 18:15-20 scenario toward both him and the church leadership – because I found out who it was.
And the status now is that he and I have reconciled – and he agreed that it was not done completely right by him or the church in terms of how I was told about it (we still disagree on the subject). He said sorry for his part in that.
Now I am on a journey to get reconciled with the church leadership. They claim they do it correctly this way – to protect “lower ranked / weaker people” against “people of higher rank and power”.
And though I understand that principle if we are into illegal, violent, sexual, cultish, manipulative behavior as I wrote earlier, here, that did not apply. My correction of my church lies in that they put their own human invented methods in place over those of Jesus – adjusting and correcting Jesus.
And if we are actually doing that – then it is not as fully loving, fully honoring, fully reconciling, fully truthful, fully helpful, fully obedient to truth, love, and grace and therefore less effective in achieving the desired results from Heaven that we should go for.
To read positive life changing and selfish life breaking teaching – see All Bible Studies of Peter Skov of Action Christianity. Let God lead you to what to engage with first.
And here is my YouTube course on the very minimum foundations of normal discipleship.
